Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Your Favourite Worst Nightmare: The "Single White Stallion" Edition

Your home town: the charm of a quiet life is still there but now you're taking your duties as Inadvertent Mayor seriously.  Public works projects - you've got quite the few:  a trellis near your beautiful fountain? Check.  A splendid overnight camping site by the river under the stars? Indeed.  You encourage the arts and your museum is filled with wonder and knowledge because you're not a cultural Philistine, perish the thought! Your continued battle with the bees is all in a day's work.  As Mayor, you have have taken to buying surveillance equipment to keep an eye on the Demon Clown, or maybe you're out there interviewing Pete on his mail run.  You still find the time to enjoy life by dancing the night away with your neighbros at your Club, but you've got your eyes on trouble brewing (and it's not the pigeon milk in your coffee, though you've got your eye on that too).  No, there's an animal in your town and there is something sinister about him.  You best mind your life or he'll mind it for you...

It started innocently enough.  A horse named Colton (oh, how you continue to amuse me, Animal Crossing) moved in to my town of Tennant.  Isabelle asked me to greet him and I did not have far to go to do so.  Why, this Colton moved right next door to me! "Well, hi-diddly-ho, Neighbrorino!" Pleasantries followed and as time trotted along, the curious behaviour began to show.

Well, he's awfully friendly, I thought.  But why is he so interested in the comings and goings of my friends?

A gossip-monger? It's hardly a redeeming quality but silly horse, you're all sorts of amusing.

...wait! whoa, whoa, whoa, horsey! Simmer down.

For reals.  Stop it.
Eventually we got to talking and I invited him to visit my humble abode.  He insisted that he visit every room of the house, and I had nothing to hide but it was during this time that he made an off-colour remark that did not sit well with me.

My...basement? What's so secret about it? You asked me to show you around and now you're accusing me of harbouring secret rooms?!
Soon after the visit, I began getting letters frequently from him.  Some times I would get two a day and in one of those letters, he gave me a doll.  I felt compelled to put the doll in my 'secret room'.  I was surprised to find it there the day after because I did not remember doing so.

Huh? I put it here? When did I do this?!

And why can't I just throw it out?! Why! There's nothing stopping me! Argh!
Then I started noticing that every morning as I stepped out of my house and into the roses growing wild outside of it, the horse was there.  Surely we share the same space what with his house being right next to mine but still, I am unable to shake the dread of the doll he had given me days prior...  That doll with its creepy stillness as it sits quietly in my basement.  Is it going to come alive at night and kill me? I feel as though I'm beginning to lose my mind.  I still have not thrown it out.
I left a tree stump outside of my house to catch that infernal violin beetle months ago and it was on one of those mornings after lying in bed all night, unable to sleep thinking about the demonic doll, that I found him.  I found the horse...

How...strangely cute... I thought.  He's got sleep bubbles and everything.  It's darling.

But I believe I constructed that yellow bench at his request and yet instead of sleeping on the park bench near the pond, he's here.

On a tree stump.  Outside of my house (yeah you know exactly where you are, accursed horse!).  Oh no, that's not suspect at all.

...right.  Sure you were 'resting' your eyes.

Mhm.  If by 'nothing' you mean 'stalking', then you and I have a very different definition of 'nothing', horse.
Some days later, he approached me with a proposition.

I did not even know how to respond to this.  He tried to cover it up there but what?

Days later still, he began making more strange remarks.


Oh? Did not like that I caught you on the tree stump, aye?
That night, again I could not sleep so I instead went to party at the club.  As if he's on to my patterns or knew fully well I had no where else to turn, I found him there.

He began referring to me as a "Wyld Stallion" and it's something I find most terrifying.  This horse.  He's trying to become me! He wants my life, my town and my Mayor-ship! He's plotting my demise! How's he going to do it?! A pitfall trap? A silver axe whilst I sleep? The doll I have yet to dispose of but cannot bring myself to do so?! There's something evil lurking in the doll, isn't there?!

Excuse me?! I can't go home until my legs... my legs fall off?! Is that your ploy, Colton?!

Having enough of his shenanigans, I met up with him outside our houses and then asked to visit his house where I confronted him.  It was there I learned the awful truth.  A truth so vile that what I am about to reveal is not for the faint of heart.  He's much more devilish in nature than I thought.  Prepare your minds, my friends.

...a Hipster.  He's a hipster horse.

And don't try to toss that in there as an after thought, either.  Neigh, horse, nay.  You may keep your hipster ways to yourself.  I will not be lured.  I will not become like you.  I have prepared a surprise for you.  Yes, you go ahead and celebrate the arrival of my new Police station.  I've got my eyes on you...

Mayor Iggyh: Enacting a Public Works Project and Secret Ordinance to keep the town Hipster free since July 2013.
The Original Article was published on July 22, 2013 on tay.kotaku.com.  The article may be found at the following link:  http://tay.kotaku.com/your-favourite-worst-nightmare-the-single-white-stall-859236626

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