What's that? The Zed word is ridiculous?
That right there would be your Number 1 fail: doubting the Zombie Apocalypse!
The Wave of the Undead is coming, my friends and let us all hope that we have some pea shooter plants to guard ourselves with.
In the meanwhile, H1 and I have been envisioning and devising our escape as per The Zombie Scenario: Metro North Edition.
We are not going to lie.
If hordes of zombies were to invade Grand Central Terminal as we stood on the platform waiting for our train, we have decided we would die for lack of a solid survival plan.
We have been thinking on this for a couple of years now but we would be ill-fated.
What we would see as we looked ahead.
Zombies would be pouring out of the main Terminal.
Behind us would be Zombies shuffling up the stairs.
Zombies to the left of us.
Zombies to the right... but wait! a train?
So, what would our best option be?
Jumping into the pit to the left and risk an oncoming train, electrocution via the third rail, or zombies piling in after us and it being much easier to trip?
Do we climb on top of the train to the right?
How long before the zombies take to climbing as well?
Do we board the train? What if the doors are closed (as pictured)?
What if we get on and the doors do not close? Sitting ducks we would be!
What if...zombies are on the train?!?!
The Hochies are not pessimistic, we are realistic.
The following footprints/feet (not owned by zombies or unwitting victims of Zombies) are the guidelines as deemed by The MTA for a safe commute.
We have doctored them to share with you our tips and observations you should abide by during a Zombie Scenario at GCS. It's the least we could do for our friends who may fare better. Who knows? Maybe you'll get lucky.
No. 1 and 2
1. In a Zombie Scenario, definitely *glance down once in a while to make sure you're not going to trip over your fellow, "can't save you now...sorry" commuters. You will see why it may not matter when we get to No. 3 as slipping might become a regular Olympic Event.
Do not glance back too often. It'll just slow you down, not to mention you never know when a Zombie might pop up in front of you all of a sudden.
2. In a Zombie Scenario, if the train is operational, hell yes, run for your train.
No. 3
3. In a Zombie Scenario, slipping will have to become an Art Form. Using the stair handrails may be a good idea when it rains, but when it rains blood, I'm not sure anything will save you from a fall here and there. Everything will be slippery in a Zombie Scenario. The handrails won't work.
No. 4
4. In a Zombie Scenario, throw caution about bridgeplates to the wind. You may be better off being wedged under a train. Maybe the zombies won't be able to get you out. Fall through the gap, it might save your life even if it may break your arm. *This could also apply to Rule 1.
No. 5
5. In a Zombie Scenario, and this may be painfully obvious...it's every child for himself. Toss the buggers to the zombies because it may slow the Zombies down. The more chirren you have, the better but remember, their bodies are tiny. It's like eating popcorn, you might want a whole lot but it can only keep you filled for so long and there's never enough to feed everyone.
Currently listening to: "Pioneer to the Falls" by Interpol.(No. 6)
6. In a Zombie Scenario, remember that Interpol can't do shart for you.
Currently listening to: "Pioneer to the Falls" by Interpol.(No. 6)
6. In a Zombie Scenario, remember that Interpol can't do shart for you.
Part One
ReplyDeleteI think the first thing you have to do when faced with a Zombie Apocalypse is determine what kind of Zombie Apocalypse you're actually in:
For instance, in a Romero Zombie Apocalypse, it's not the zombies so much that we need to worry about, but rather our racism, classism, militarism, rampant consumerism and other isms that will certainly get the best of us. In this type of Z.A., Barack Obama, being a person of color in a position of power, is absolutely screwed, while the rest of us succumb to the lure of our shopping malls as our preferred ports of haven, leading to our inevitable complacence and destruction at the hands of the other survivors who covet our supply of twinkies, GAP apparel and sporting goods. But at least we can tweet and facebook about it ad nauseum on our shiny smartphones and tablets and netbooks. The zombies themselves merely long to return to the normalcy of their former human existence and only try to eat us because, symbolically, it represents the cannibalistic nature of the human condition--what we consume to make ourselves plump and happy comes at the expense of our fellow humans after all, who toil and starve in some other land way on the other side of the world. Thus, in a Romero Zombie Apocalypse, we can expect to glean some kind of unsubtle but no less true social message from the situation, and to feel bad about ourselves--except for those of us who 'get' it, of course, who can then feel slightly superior to the rest of yokes who deserve what they get.
In contrast to this is the Boyle Zombie Apocalypse, in which case there are no zombies. Stop calling them zombies. Zombies are dead. These people are infected with hate, they're not dead! Do zombies run fast? No. So they're not zombies, got it? Christ! Denial seems to be a strong element of the B.Z.A.. Also, something about how humanity has become so abhorrent to itself that we might as well be just a bunch of roided up ragies barfing blood in everyone elses' faces and other yadda yadda. Which apparently we can do for a month or so until we starve, even though we've been barfing blood everywhere and haven't had had a drop of water to drink in all that time. In a Boyle Zombie Apocalypse, one can expect to spend too much time analyzing niggling plot holes and coming to the conclusion that animal rights zealots, not zombies, are the worst things on earth.
Then you have the Snyder Zombie Apocalypse, which basically rips off as much of the Romero and Boyle Apocalypses as it can, before diluting them into a tedious exercise of visual style over substance, with a nifty title sequence but not much else to offer. In a Snyder Zombie Apocalypse, one can expect to find themselves spending most of their time wishing they were in a better, more original Zombie Apocalypse.
Let's not forget the Resident Evil (game) Zombie Apocalypse, in which we can basically forget about surviving whatsoever, because the zombies are the least scary things lurking about out there, what with hunters, lickers, tyrants, crimson heads, giant frogs and spiders, mega sharks, Lisa, and whatever else that the evil bioweapon company unleashed in its unending desire for profit. And face it, we'll be wasting ammo left and right, and just how many of us really know how to mix herbs properly? Nevertheless, we'll at least have interesting puzzles to solve and a little bit of subtext to ponder about corporate greed and the dangers of the human desire to learn and create that which God did not intend, while listening to simultaneously soothing and creepy music in our safe rooms whilst we wait for our beloved government to nuke us. And we can marvel at the many typewriters we find too, which might be oddly comforting in a world of such corrupt and trivial technology. Not that we'll be able to use them, since we wasted our ink ribbons...
Then there's the Resident Evil Paul W.S. Anderson Zombie Apocalypse, in which an evil corporation (Sony Entertainment) makes money off zombies (i.e., the people who continue to pay money to see this crap). Pitched to the studio as "Night of the Living Dead meets the Matrix, with the one-note Sigourney/Linda wannabe Milla Jovovich attached as a Keanu Reeves type, and hey we can call it Resident Evil to take advantage of the pre-built video game audience!," we'll likely find ourselves in this Z.A., as we would in the Snyder Z.A., yearning for better Apocalypses. But we'll also spend a lot of time wondering how they made so many sequels out of such a tired concept, and bemoaning the general state of modern movie making, where hacks like Paul W.S. Anderson continue to get work. Also we can expect to waste a lot of ammo shooting the endlessly yapping Milla fanbois.
ReplyDeleteA notable variation on the Zombie Apocalypse is the Roddenberry/Piller Borg Apocalypse, which extends to, and focuses the Romero Zombie Apocalypse consumerist commentaries on, our fetish for our nifty technology: So lustful are we for our iphones and 3DHDTVs, we want them embedded in our livers and kidneys where they can optimize our hormone and glucose levels while reminding us of upcoming birthdays and what tv shows to watch this week, while also providing us direct fiber-optic broadband internet through our spinal cords, whereby we may access, for a mere 49.99 a month, all the best YouBorg content and make easy App store purchases (but only for iBorg approved apps that don't offer redundant functionality of the bundled software, even if it is ten times better). Fortunately, though, Whoopi Goldberg, combined with the continued prevalence of security exploits in Apple and Microsoft software should ensure that we can disable the Borg with a few simple hacks, changing the Main Borg password and locking all the Borg drones out of their own accounts. Zombie Apocalypse solved!
Another variation of the Romero Z.A. is the Wright/Pegg Zombie Apocalypse; social commentary is downplayed in favor of comedic bickering interspersed with horrifyingly tragic moments, which probably makes this the most likely Zombie Apocalypse scenario--even in the face of Armageddon we'll undoubtedly find ourselves getting into pissing matches with our fellow survivors over inconsequential things, and through our selfishness and desire to be drunk we'll wind up getting everyone in our party needlessly killed. But hilariously, at least, which should ease the pain.
What's important then is to ascertain, as quickly as possible, which Zombie Apocalypse you've stumbled into, and then you can take the correct course of action:
ReplyDeleteRomero: Find a poignant but not terribly secure place to hole up, preferably with a mix of people from different races and/or economic and social classes.
Boyle: Eat lots of candy since it's just laying around, only move in the daylight because that makes sense somehow, and immediately believe any voice you hear on the radio, no matter how vague and ominous, even if its Glenn Beck ranting about the liberal conspiracy to hand America over Muslim extremists and that he has the cure (but you have to buy his books to get it).
Snyder: Change the channel.
RE (game): immediately split up from any survivors you happen to be with and go into the spookiest mansion or lab you can find. Gather as much as you can fit into your pockets (8 things if you're female, 6 things if you're a male but you also get a lighter) and then spend two-thirds of your time in closets trying to figure out which six or eight things you want to take with you and what you'll leave behind.
RE PWSA: Change the channel.
Borg: Call Whoopie for an inspirational monologue and some Linux-loving gray hats to do the necessary hacking.
Wright/Pegg: do what you normally do in life, and eventually try to get to your favorite watering hole, regardless of the practicality or tactical merits of such an obviously ill-fated endeavour.
Armed with this knowledge, you might not survive the Zombie Apocalypse, but you can at least have the comfort of knowing you will die in the most appropriate manner for the particular Zombie Apocalypse at hand! And isn't that the true goal of the Zombie Apocalypse experience?
And was this my longest comment ever?
part one wv: entior, but i'm too hungry to take offense.
part two wv: phipori, a compliment about my scent?
part three wv: adentat, an italian toothpaste.
hi,im new to this and i want to follow your blog cause i think its really good.... any idea how i can do that?
ReplyDeleteHi Steph546,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the very kind comment.
I am sorry I did not get to respond sooner - if anyone asks, I was busy busy with work and/or Dragon Quest IX.
I do see you figured it out though, which is cool because I had no idea how to help you.
Haha.
Thanks again.